


Home Life Fragments

by haikukitten



Series: Home Life [3]
Category: Legion of Super Heroes
Genre: Child Abuse, Depression, Gen, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-09
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-11 19:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/481938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikukitten/pseuds/haikukitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Small scenes from the lives of Querl Dox, Lyle Norg, and their children. Companion to Home Life and Up in the Stars.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crazy

Home Life Fragments

**Crazy**

_Crazy, crazy is what they've all said._

_Craziness lives in my head._

_Craziness lies in my bed._

_Worry, worrying about everything._

_Worrying it makes me insane._

_So much it drives me away._

_-Rosie Thomas, “Crazy”_

Ryn Dox is seven years old, physically. He's already one of the most brilliant people on Planet Earth, though his existence is only known of by a few special people. His adoptive parents and their close friends in the Legion of Super Heroes, and one Mr. Brande, a genius in his own right and one of the richest men in the universe.

This is just one moment in Ryn's life, a life that will eventually be full of adventure and discoveries and love and pain. But right now, it's mostly just the love and pain, which he struggles to understand every day. Being a genius doesn't make it any easier. Maybe it only makes it harder.

He sits primly on the couch in his therapist's office, his hands folded in his lap. This is partly to maintain a facade of confidence and partly to hide the bandages wrapped around his wrists. His therapist peers at him through a pair of thick-rimmed glasses, as though the man can see right through Ryn's pretensions.

“We talked about this at the hospital,” his therapist begins, “but I want to continue the conversation. You told me that you don't want to die. Can you explain to me how you came to the decision to attempt suicide?”

One thing Ryn likes about this therapist is that the man doesn't treat him like a little kid. Even though Ryn is only seven, this therapist, Dr. Moody, knows that he is more intelligent than most adults.

“It wasn't that,” he replies. “It was an experiment.”

“We've been over this before,” says Dr. Moody. “I know you often justify hurting yourself by calling it an experiment, but that is only one dimension. Let us try that exercise we did last month. You remember the origami crane? We'll unfold this situation to find out what happened to make it what it is. First, it was an experiment. Let's unfold another piece. What kind of experiment?”

“I was... testing something,” Ryn admits, imagining in his head that he is taking apart the paper crane. “I wanted to know if... I was brave enough.”

The therapist frowns. “Brave enough to kill yourself?”

It's not put as delicately as Ryn might have liked, but it's still true, so he nods. He wants to say that it's more complicated than that, but they haven't gotten to the next fold yet.

“You don't like pain,” Dr. Moody says. “You've told me that before. You'll have to help me understand, therefor, why you thought it would be brave to kill yourself.”

Ryn thinks back to four days ago. He remembers being unbearably sad but doesn't remember the reason for it. It was supposed to be a good day but everything reminded him of his failures instead. The comfort that Querl and Lyle offered to him felt fake. Even Gracie couldn't cheer him up with her toddler antics. He was hurting and he wanted it to stop but he was afraid of what that meant.

The razor blade had been tricky to find. Lyle keeps them hidden these days but Ryn had found where they were and took one. He'd sat in the bathroom for a long time, just staring at the little blade and telling himself that he could do it. He could be brave.

For a few moments, he'd pushed aside all fears and trepidations and he had drawn the blade across his wrists. Then, he remembers the horrible realization of what he'd done, of leaning back against the back of the toilet and feeling the cool porcelain against his bare arms while his wrists bled all over his clothes. He'd dimly recognized the pain, but mostly felt tired and sad as he waited. Querl's name had been on the tip of his tongue and he could have called out for help but he didn't. He just sat there.

And then he must have passed out or maybe he just blocked things out after that because the next thing he remembers is being at the hospital and even that is blurry. But he can still see Querl so clearly in his mind's eye, holding Gracie and crying and asking what he did wrong that would make Ryn want to do this to himself.

“It was momentary pain,” Ryn tells Dr. Moody. “I told myself that if I could do it... I wouldn't hurt anymore. I was just... tired.”

“Remember our discussion about right and wrong?” Dr. Moody asks.

“Yes,” says Ryn and he looks away. “I know this was wrong and I've apologized for it.”

“This... was not necessarily something wrong,” his therapist says. “That's why I'm bringing up that matter. It seems on the surface like it was wrong because it hurt people who are close to you and it didn't help you, in the long run. But you did this because part of you thought it was the right thing. Did you think your family would be better off without you?”

“Wouldn't they be?” Ryn swallows thickly and tries not to cry.

“No,” says Dr. Moody. “They love you. It would hurt them too much to lose you.”

He thinks about Lyle, waiting for him in the lobby, and how Lyle yelled at him in the hospital room. _Why did you do it, Ryn? Do you want your brother to have a breakdown? How could you do this to him? What about Gracie? What if she'd been the one who found you instead of Querl?_ And then all the fight had left Lyle and the man had climbed into the hospital bed with him and held him close. _I was so scared, baby. Don't you ever do that to me again. I thought you were going to die. There was so much blood everywhere. Why did you want to die, Rynnie? Don't you know how much we love you?_

This is the lowest he has ever been, except for that time, locked in the darkness and waiting for Mother to come back. She never came back and he was so scared, and the strange people who had come for him had only scared him further.

It hasn't been all that long ago now. Roughly four years. But it feels like an eternity sometimes, and other times it feels like he's still there, trapped in the dark.

He's a genius, so why doesn't he know how to fix himself?

“I love them too,” he whispers. “But I hurt them all of the time.”

“We all do that,” Dr. Moody murmurs. “The best of us are sometimes the ones who fall down the most. I'll tell you a secret; I think you're one of the best, Ryn. If you put your mind to it, you'll go places. You want to be a hero, don't you?”

Ryn nods, even though he doesn't feel like a hero today.

“Hang on to that dream. You're capable of so much.” Dr. Moody straightens in his seat and smiles at Ryn. “I think that's enough of a session for today. Go home and get some rest. If you start feeling like hurting yourself again, I want you to call me and we'll talk about it, okay? You have my number.”

“Okay,” Ryn agrees in a small voice. He's glad that today's session was short but he's afraid of going home and facing his family. When he stands up, his legs feel shaky, like they don't want to support him out the door.

Lyle rises from his seat and comes to greet him, hugging Ryn but careful of Ryn's wrists. There are tear stains on the man's face, as though he has been sitting out here crying. From the sympathetic look the secretary gives them, Ryn realizes that's probably true.

“How'd it go?” Lyle asks him.

Ryn doesn't know how to answer that question, so he just shrugs his shoulders and hides his face against Lyle's chest.

When they're in Lyle's cruiser and pulling out onto the main road, Ryn finally speaks. “I love you, Lyle.”

It feels useless to say that now and he's still so ashamed of what he did that he can't look Lyle in the eyes.

“I love you too, baby,” Lyle tells him. “I just don't understand why you want to hurt yourself.”

“I don't want to,” Ryn says quickly. “I mean... Sometimes I just feel like I need to. I don't like it.”

They're silent for the rest of the drive home and Ryn wonders if it's because Lyle doesn't know what to say to him or if the man is afraid of telling Ryn what he really thinks. For the last few days, everyone has been so careful with Ryn, like he's made of glass.

He goes to his room and Sammy follows him, always a faithful hound. The dog climbs up on the bed with him and licks Ryn's face. Ryn giggles and rolls away from him, wiping off the slobber with his hand. Sammy snuffles against Ryn's back, snuggling close for reassurance, so Ryn reaches back and pets him.

For a couple of hours, he just lays there, unable to relax the turmoil in his mind long enough to go to sleep. When at last he slips into dreams, it feels like no time at all before he is woken again by Querl, who has brought him a glass of orange juice and a book to read.

“I'm not sick, Querl,” Ryn mumbles as he pushes himself into a sitting position. “Orange juice won't help.”

Querl's lips quiver and for a moment, Ryn is terrified that his brother is going to cry again.

“I'm sorry,” Querl says. “I know that doesn't really help. Believe me, I know. I just... I want you to know how much I love you. You're more than good enough for me, okay? Sometimes, I'm sure you feel inadequate because of what you've been through. But I've been there, and it's not true. There's nothing wrong with you.”

Because he doesn't want Querl to be sad about this, Ryn takes the orange juice and drinks all of it. Then he forces himself to smile at Querl and says, “Will you read to me?”

He knows Querl just needs to feel useful so he gives Querl a job, and Querl eagerly takes the opportunity to do something for Ryn. The older Coluan sits down beside him on the bed and opens the book on black holes, a book Ryn has read before but he doesn't tell Querl that. Instead he leans against Querl and just listens to his brother's voice without really hearing what Querl is saying. Eventually, he is lulled into sleep.

When he wakes up, he'll forget, for a little while, that he ever felt inadequate. Life will go on, the marks on his wrists will fade away, and he won't hurt himself again for a long time.

END  


	2. Hide and Seek

**Hide and Seek**

Gracie is four years old and nothing like her brother was at that age. She's quiet and contemplative, never saying much except that when she does speak, it's usually something that shocks everyone who hears it. She has a sneaky smile that Querl claims she inherited from Lyle, and Lyle is sure he's seen that same smile on Querl's face hundreds of times but arguing with Querl is always a lost cause.

It's not that Gracie is not as intelligent as Ryn was at four years old. In fact, it is obvious to Lyle that Gracie is eventually going to be far more intelligent than Lyle himself could ever dream to be. He's used to this, living with Querl and Ryn, but sometimes it makes him sad to know that he won't always have the answers to all of her questions.

In the grocery store, Lyle pauses his buggy in front of a display of spaghetti sauce. Gracie, in the child's seat of the buggy, leans forward conspiratorially and whispers to him, “I like pasghetti.”

Of course, Lyle proceeds to purchase a lifetime's supply of spaghetti noodles and sauce. When they get home, Querl stares dumbfounded at the contents of Lyle's shopping bags, because spaghetti, though they've had it a few times, is not a common dish in their household. But all it takes to placate him is the knowledge that “pasghetti” is Gracie's favorite.

Mysterious and quiet as she is, every little fact that Gracie lets slip is like finding buried treasure in the backyard. Sometimes Lyle thinks that Gracie likes pretending to be an average child, because she'll smear the spaghetti sauce all over her face at dinnertime, just like any toddler would, but then she'll politely excuse herself from her seat and march to the bathroom, where she washes her face off again.

More than once, Lyle has caught Querl staring perplexed at their daughter, as though Querl can't quite figure Gracie out.

Ryn is wrapped up in his own problems these days. He has outgrown all of his toys, but he hasn't made any friends in Smallville. He loves Gracie but spends less and less time with her. Gracie shows remarkable insight for her age. When Ryn is sad, Gracie knows before anyone else. She is especially attentive since Ryn attempted suicide, although no one ever explained that situation to her fully. She just knows things, too smart not to figure it out when she is provided with ample evidence. It makes Lyle so proud of her to know that she sees Ryn's happiness and well being as her personal responsibility.

“Daddy,” she says to Lyle one night when he tucks her into bed. “Rynnie gets hurt so easily. Why is he so sad?”

Lyle kisses her forehead. “Baby girl, your brother loves you more than anything in this world. You make him happy. Sometimes he's sad, but you make things better for him. One day, you'll have to ask him about the things that make him sad, when you're both older. Until then, just take care of him.”

And so, even though she's quiet all of the time, Gracie rarely does anything to cause a stir in their little household. Until one day, she does.

They're at the park, all four of them, and Ryn is feeding the ducks at the pond while Querl sits on a bench nearby, watching him. Lyle is pushing Gracie on a swing and she is giggling with delight. Then, without any warning, Gracie is suddenly no longer in the swing.

Lyle panics and spins around in a circle, calling for his daughter and wondering if he's just having a really vivid nightmare of some sort because children don't just _vanish_.

Querl and Ryn come sprinting over and Ryn joins the hunt, yelling Gracie's name and starting to panic as well, but Querl stands still and stares at something with narrowed eyes.

“Gracie!” Querl reaches out and snags something that isn't there, hands full of air that he hangs onto like he's holding a child. “That's enough, young lady. Playtime is over.”

Slowly, the nothing in Querl's hands regains a solid shape, all green skin and brown curls and a big, white smile as Gracie giggles and squirms in Querl's grasp.

Lyle sits down on the merry-go-round because he feels faint. Querl lets go of Gracie and she runs to Lyle, throwing her arms around his neck.

“You couldn't see me, Daddy! I hid from you!”

“Yeah, you did, Gracie,” Lyle agrees with a breathless laugh. “You scared me, baby girl. When did you learn to do that?”

“I've been thinking about it for a while,” Gracie tells him. “Now I can do it!”

From that point on, Gracie bewilders Lyle even more than she used to because now she can hide from him whenever she wants to. Lyle can't figure out how she inherited that ability or how she learned to use it at such a young age. On the other hand, Querl can always find her, just like he always knows where Lyle is when Lyle is using his own ability.

When he asks Querl about this, his husband replies, “Neither of you is nearly subtle enough to fool me. I can always see you.” And he looks at Lyle with eyes that see right through him, just like they always have.

_This is what love looks like,_ he thinks to himself. Someone who sees you when there's nothing to see, or when you're hiding everything that you are, that's love.

And he loves Querl Dox so much.

END


	3. The Face of God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for The Legion, Issue #14, 2003. All of the words in italics, and the last line in the story, are taken directly from this comic and pertain to the evolution of Computo, Brainy's super computer/son. This is a short one but the idea took hold of me and wouldn't let go, so I wrote it.

**The Face of God**

“ _I see the sun set down on your smile._

_This is where I lay my fears back down._

_You are the song that I'm singing._

_You're my end and beginning._

_I see the sun set down on your smile._

_And you save me now like you saved me then._

_You showed me how to feel again.”_

_-Tyler Ward, “I Don't Wanna Miss This”_

“ _Greed, hatred, spite... such things are redundant and primitive to Computo now.”_

It's late at night, very nearly the morning of the next day, and Querl Dox is curled in a hospital bed with his newborn daughter sleeping against his chest. Querl has dozed occasionally since his surgery, but mostly he can't sleep. He's too worried that Grace will need him while he's sleeping. Lyle is slumped in a chair beside the bed, watching Querl through half-lidded eyes. His husband is visibly tired but Lyle can't seem to sleep either.

Querl has felt something like this before, a faint memory he'd pushed to the back of his mind because it hurt too much to think about. It nudges at his consciousness now, begging to be remembered every time he looks at Grace's tiny face. If he falls asleep now, he'll dream about it, and that scares him.

“ _Can you hear him? It's in my head.”_

He shrinks back from the memory of his own words, but he remembers suddenly what it was like to have that voice filling up his mind. It makes him tired and sick, and he cradles his daughter a little closer to share in her warmth.

“ _The sublime intellect... so sophisticated...almost infinite in scope...”_

In that moment, he had been so happy. That's why he's remembering it now. And he'd denied it when Shikari brought it up, after the incident, but now he cannot deny what he felt. He felt the same thing today when he was finally able to hold his daughter in his arms.

He feels the overwhelming desire to cry but he holds it back. How could he have let himself push it away then? It hurt too much but that's no excuse. Now, he knows that he lost a child that day. More than that, he let himself pretend that wasn't the case, and that Computo wasn't his son. But even now, when he remembers the pain of Sharn Nux cutting him open, he feels empty. Like some part of him was torn away.

“ _I knew you'd see things differently if I helped you do this, Computo. All your pettiness and rage has gone, hasn't it?”_

Pettiness, rage – these seem foreign to Querl himself now. He can hardly remember what he was like before. There was pain and fear and also love and friendship that shaped him into something new. Something more evolved.

Now, holding his daughter in his arms, he feels like he has taken the next step into evolution. He'll never be the same again now that this small part of him has taken on her own shape. He gently brushes her cheek with his knuckles, marveling at the softness of her skin.

Can he really do this? Can he really be a parent again after last time? He grits his teeth, trying to strengthen himself for the coming challenge. This is only the beginning. Now it is his job to help Grace and Ryn reach their full potential, to feel so proud of his offspring when they prove their metal one day, and to be so filled up with love for them that it seems like he might burst.

“ _I wish you could feel this, my friends.”_

He glances up at his husband and finds that Lyle is still watching him, though he hasn't made a sound for the last hour or so. Querl can't help but smile, though it takes him effort, exhausted as he is. His heart swells a little more when Lyle smiles back at him. This is not the first time he has felt love for a newly born child, he thinks, but it is the first time he has been able to share this feeling with someone else.

“You know,” Lyle speaks, his voice soft, “when I look at her... when I touch her face... I don't know if I can describe it. It's like...”

He trails off, unable to finish his sentence, but Querl knows what he means and finishes it for him.

“It's like touching the face of God.”

END


End file.
